Wow. It's been a pretty good while and not much has changed. And that's not good. In fact, it's not good at all. I guess I'll keep up with the blogging, especially since google has it now. And I love google. So here it is, my first new post in forever.

I really hate updating with depressing stuff. I shouldn't be depressed. It's pretty stupid actually. But I can't help it. I won't go into the details. Maybe, one day I can. I can't even do it on my livejournal. It's not like we had a relationship. I don't even know if she considered me a friend. There is one thing that I do know. I miss her. She made that place brighter than it ever was for me. She woke me up to things in myself that I never knew were there. And now, she's gone. I probably won't be much of a memory to her, but it will take a long time for this hurt to pass for me.

See, I told you it was stupid. This is only the second time in my life that I have fell for someone. And this was truly something else. For a brief period of time, I was awake. Maybe I can stay that way. At least for a little while.

I have called her a couple of times. I'm pretty sure she won't call me back. That's how I know that she didn't consider me a friend, just a co-worker. I do not mean that to say anything bad about her. On the contrary, I just fell under the radar. I'm like that most of the time. But she was always nice and decent to me. And I'll never forget her smile or her laugh. Or those blue eyes.

Thank you for what you did for me. You probably don't have any idea of it, but you brought me out of whatever funk I was in. And I will always be grateful for that. It will never be the same going into that place without seeing you there. Or hearing your voice. But I will just have to anyway. Damn, I already miss you.

What the hell have I been doing with my time? I have mostly been using livejournal. The majority of my posts are friends only. It's a little too personal for my blogger. But I still need to try to get back in here some. But then, it's not like anybody reads this or comes to my website. But what can I do. Besides, it's no big deal.

I don't really know what to say. I have been feeling kind of numb, emotionally for the past week or so. And I don't really know why. Well, I do know why, but it's something I really don't want to talk about, I guess. This is so crummy. But, it's pretty much to be expected.

Let me start off by saying that today was sucky. My perspective changed on so many things. I really hate it when I am right about some things. It's so easy for me to chalk it up to doubts or fears, but after a certain point, I just have to accept that I wasn't off base about things. It's not like I'm saying that I have psychic powers or anything. I am talking about a gut feeling that you want to push off as just mere pessimism. I think most people are like that. It's the inner voice or something that you ignore sometimes and later wish you had heeded.

I'm sorry. This is one of those really bad mood nights right now. And I hate it. So much. I wish I could just turn off my feelings sometimes. Then I wouldn't have to feel like this. But it is my fault. 100%. Sometimes you just can't help the way you feel about someone. Even when you know there is no way in hell that anything will ever come of it. Ever.

Okay, end of rant.